19-22 August 2009
If Tuesday is deemed to have ended in a positive note, the next few days nullified it quickly.
The high hope that was generated the evening before was brutally dashed when I arrived at mom's bed on Wednesday (19 August) afternoon to see her slipping into a state of deep drowsiness, brought on by a fever caused by an infection. Despite me shaking and calling her, speaking into her ear, she showed not a sign of acknowledgement whatsoever.
She remained in that slumberous state for the next few days, appearing to have been depleted of all energy. Each day, hope against hope, I stepped into the ward looking forward to her greeting me, even if it was to be a silent eye contact, or a light grasping of my hand. No. My wish was not met. She had been transferred from ICU to HDU (high-dependency unit), and then to the general ward, sleeping through all of these transactions and totally unaware of anything.
I found my own energy slowly sapping away, nodding off all so often on bus and train. I found myself getting edgy, scolding Cowen for the slightest mistake he made in his school work or mischief he did at home. I found myself aching whenever I had to answer the question of "How's your mom?" from well-meaning friends and relatives, as if reliving the ordeal once more. I found myself, apologetically, putting aside emails from friends who expressed their concern. In fact, I've procrastinated updating this blog as long as I could, with the hope that I could offer something a little more joyful.
There were moments I wish there were people rallying around me, people from whom I could draw their strength; yet there were moments I just wanted to be alone. And alone I am now, with Jane and Cowen back at my in-law's home to spend the weekend. They need their rest too, with Cowen just recovered from fever last week and seemed to get tired more easily these few days, and Jane who fell sick a few days ago.
It's so quiet around here now.
Aaron
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